Today was normal. Well, at least I thought it was. Ok, people. I can understand people doing dedication, tributes, make videos of themselves on how they feel about the death of one of the greatest pop artist in the world. You know who I'm referring to. Michael Jackson. He will be missed but that's not what this journal is about.

Its a feeling I had when I help people. Its that feeling when I want to help but at the same time I can't. Because my emotions get the better of me. Listening to happy songs can ease it but at the same time make it painful for me to hear it. Hearing about my two best friends that I care for was feeling like their losing friends because they feel they are changing. I get that feeling of wanting to help but at the same time unable to. Because it lingers in my mind on how I felt two years ago. I feel like I help but its not good enough for me. Its good enough for the person but its not for me. It put me in emotions that random shit goes through my mind. Its like the person is happy but I'm not. I don't want to say its their fault because its not. Its my emotions that just gets out of wack with me when I help. It kills me. No matter how much I want to help, it will hurt me. Its like I'm afraid to help and fear of failing to cheer that person up. And its been three days since my other friend hasn't been on. I guess I miss him alot and hearing him. I mean, I'm fine. So, no need to worry about me. Its just feels old not having anyone I used to talk to every night not around. I feel like crying but I can't. I feel I want to be alone after I cheer someone up. I feel like enduring this pain alone. Trying to act like everything is alright will only make me lie to myself.

God...depression can sure as hell kick in when I want to help. I guess I'll try to do what I do. Well, just thought I jot this down because I don't want anyone to worry. Well, on June 30th I'll be on my vacation. So, maybe this will help me. I'm not sure. Man, happy songs can sure make me feel sad. But sad songs made me feel at ease a bit. I know, I'm wierd when it comes to emotions. It only helps me to keep myself at ease and my emotions not taking too much control over me. Well, that's all from MidnightPrime. Have a nice day.

RIP Michael Jackson (1958-2009)





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